LOVE, FAMILY, TRUST

It happened to be lately that I got sufficient time to stay with one of the most respected and energetic person I know. And he is having, so called "out of the box" living, all together with his dear family. He is inspiring to me, so I asked few questions as per my understanding, just to understand the ease he got with family and thoughts and society. Well, I could have written whole conversation in a paragraph format, but that would have eaten up the originality of the conversation. Finally I came up with simple question answer format, that we had there, and here it is DOSTOON :

ME : How is it possible that even after having pretty good experience in business, job, teaching and that too, after holding PhD degree; you are at ease with your thoughts of jockey ideas regarding to your career, that sometimes turns out to be underpaid, and your family supports you to the best, especially your wife. Were you guys engaged though LOVE MARRIAGE ?

HIM : No no, it was arranged marriage, yet she had choice to accept or reject the proposal from groom side. The time when it is decided that you have to live the ASSOCIATION of MARRIAGE, then you have to make it possible to live with understanding and that too - “all together”; then only mental peace is possible. Otherwise it’s very easy to fall in trap of quarrels and fights over anything and specially over egos. A male matures lately comparative to a woman, and primarily we male supports women to get out and get work employment. So yes, her role was great in my life after understanding my mentality regarding to the work, which is hap hazardous, still she understood ... but it all was possible because she is at a good position in her Job to support us financially, so she (was able to) support(ed) me to have my ‘hit and trials’. It’s all about understanding that we develop over period of time. Many people lost their job during COVID period, so either you surrender or fight. And fortunately, financial support from parent's pension and wife's job gave us ease. Still we(men) are the head decision makers - "Show runner" of the family. Maturity is accompanied by calmness over impulsiveness, to understand broader perspective of the situation, that will result to decisions to work.

ME : So, as we know, optimization is hard for both. As person who can have more freedom lives with lesser one, and a person who is settled in less freedom is pushed to attain more. And it happens simultaneously, but both are not at complete ease in this process. So how do you define, what should be the mindset?

HIM : See, with me it all happened just like it happens in life of a 'common man'. My mother and my wife supported me well. It never happened that I did any fraud, had debts, never kept anyone at mental or physical discomfort, no social complaint was ever made against me, so this BALANCE was pretty well managed. Yes, question is always there that - is it really necessary to execute? Even though she doesn't understand few aspects of the situations (engineering aspects), even though we discuss and I make sure that she knows it, and make sure that our decisions are best of the time and situation. We discuss before landing to any decision, this what we do every single time. See, at the end its both of you. Ladies are better than males in terms of survival. Males are harder to overcome the loss of spouse, on the other hand - females are capable enough to get engaged in activities like cooking, taking care of family and grandchildren and be better at loss. And it’s because of Indian life culture too, but it’s pretty important that you have to respect your counterpart. For sure there is a cultural difference for her after marriage. So, it’s important that you understand her feelings related to her family (blood relations) and friends; and nurture in the way that she can stand alone as individual for her own family, extended family, finances, friends, workplace etc.

ME : If there is something that you know that it is really beneficial and your spouse should strive harder to get it. Even by being uncomfortable and by re-figuring out the ways and striving for more; that includes studies or breaking our own comfort zone. So how do you support and manage the irritations of your wife and self? And what about golden handcuffs mentality?

HIM : Yes, that indeed happened when I challenged her to level-up herself by giving exams and be at better position at her own workplace, by discussing future scenarios after 8-10 years. Where her juniors will be reaching at higher designations comparatively at fast pace and that will be personally humiliating to her. Yes, it took long for her to get back to studies and appear for exam. But as of now as she is at higher designation, her work load and expectancy demands high level of work time. Where she has to travel long distances and late nights, sometimes its uncomfortable to me. But it’s about trust, you have to TRUST. By the time she was having discomfort (mental) regarding to her status, I pushed her. But by the time, when she was like - okay, now for more growth I would not disturb the family anymore, I was also settled with that. See, it’s not only job, it’s a major part of life-time that you are spending at your workplace. So, it has to be at ease for you in all terms with you. Yes, the transition period was pretty hectic for her too, so I and my mother used to ensure that she doesn't has to be involved in household chores and she get mental piece also, and that was the most important. Now about another scenario, that at work place everyone has friends, colleagues and they will sit together spending 8-10 hours, and there will be male colleagues also, a major reason of discomfort for a husband; all is needed is to trust. Just trust them, and ask that what growth she is willing, don't push your opinion or ideas or priorities. This is how you will be a good better half. Lady is always a mystery, do never try to solve. Ladies are always stronger, have healing power even in a touch. That's why we say - ‘Mother’ to dear earth. They just need safety, and male part implies safety to her after being challenged by new environment after marriage, or being vulnerable in different situations.

ME : You have seen people with malicious intentions, manipulative mentality. How does it feels for a father, along with course that he takes care of his daughter but she will be having another person in her priority, later in her life ?

HIM : See, be the friend to your daughter, and really be a friend. And again, as you trusted your wife, you have to trust your daughter. Make her aware of consequences of doings and let her be aware of limitations, but don’t force her. And if she ever commits mistake, counsel her, like a friend. Yes, fear of misfortune will be there, and it will be the same in case of a son. Its easy to get a boy in trap of something bad. See, if daughter is there in another country, then it has to be fully a TRUST thing. In future they have to live by themselves, how much you will be able to nurture anybody. But yeah, that is from both ends, that my daughter tells me about her location timely, so that I can be at ease too, and I am like - we can’t be there to help you in emergency as you are living in another state, so take margins of everything for your own safety. And now a days, they(children) are also evolved and mature(to me : at earlier age than your maturity hit you), so just pin them about their safety. But again, there are ways for them to fulfill their desires(any desire, and you won’t have any clue about it), but its again the same - they know what to do, give them space, and trust them. But as father figure, yes those malicious mis-happenings thought haunts.

ME : How do you keep yourself at calm after having knowledge of malicious possibilities that may happen to your loved ones, specially your wife and daughter?

HIM : Any one who steps out, comes under umbrella of risk. But let your loved ones know that what are your and your limitations as family, let them know about insecurities and get on ease with set of logical protocols. And yeah, social (or better to say civic) standards are need to be maintained by everyone in the family. But yeah, it’s course of nature and allow yourself to follow it. But again, I will say it’s about trust. In our society freedom is allowed for boys, but not for girls, even in terms of having multiple partners. But it’s not the point, point is about letting them try themselves and be there like a friend and most importantly - Really TRUST your son or daughter or spouse.